comparison stole my joy, and a recipe: chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting
I need you to know that the food I cook is not perfect. Those of you who have shared a meal at my table know this to be true. This post is for the rest of you.
My sauces occasionally stick to the bottom of the pan. I have been known to burn vegetables while roasting them. The Parker House rolls that I serve at Thanksgiving are store-bought, from the frozen section of the grocery, and I can never get them to rise to my satisfaction. I can’t flip a fried egg to save my life. Fish fillets looks mangled after I’ve had my way with them in the sauté pan.
At times, I am paralyzed here, completely unable to share any of my words or photographs or recipes with you, for fear that you will find this out. I went through a pretty nasty spell of this at the end of December.
There is some incredibly beautiful work online, and many of my friends — some whom I’ve met and shared meals with, and others whom I hope to meet someday — are responsible for creating it. Their words seem to flow effortlessly. Their photography, of food or people or exotic places, is powerful, with just the correct amount of light and shadow, and seemingly flawless. Their recipes make sense and seem to come together intuitively. Their lives appear full and rich…and better, somehow.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Someone famous probably said that, possibly Theodore Roosevelt, if the Internet is to be trusted. Regardless of who said it, I have found that statement to be 100% true.
In the short, dark days of winter, when melancholy is banging on my door, it’s easy to look at those gorgeous sites and hate myself a little more with each click for not being as good as they are. For not creating perfect food, or styling the perfect photographs, or crafting the perfect words. And recently, I did just that. I let myself get sucked downward, into that spiral of self-deprecating gloom.
It was a miserable period of time. It kept me away from writing here, and that always makes me sad.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Whoever said this knew exactly what he was talking about.
Today, however, I am back at it — I’m here! — and I’m embracing the fact that I am not perfect.
It took effort, but I clawed myself out of that depressing, joyless pit of comparison. I’m not sure what made the difference. Having the clear outlook of a fresh January and a new year is helpful. My frequent chats with Olga make a huge difference. Or maybe it’s that the weather is perking up and the sun is shining for more minutes each day.
Today, I’m okay with the fact that I am not perfect, nor is the work I create.
Take this chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting as an example – the perfect example, if you will, of an imperfect cake. The layers aren’t even, and they sunk in the middle a bit after baking. The sprinkles on the top are not evenly spaced; in fact, there’s a little clump of them on one side that bugged me when I photographed the cake. The light was not ideal that day, either, but I am posting these photos anyway. And the cake is probably too rich for some.
But, my family loved it. And I’m here, writing about it. Writing. This is all I need.
Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Buttercream Frosting
When I get cravings for chocolate cake, it's a rich, moist one that I crave. This one fits the bill every time. I frosted it with peanut butter buttercream, but you could certainly up the chocolate ante and top it with a decadent chocolate buttercream instead.
Ingredients:
For Cake:
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
3/4 cup cocoa powder (Dutch process cocoa is preferred)
1 cup boiling water
1-3/4 cup (220 grams) all-purpose flour
2 cups (400 grams) granulated sugar
1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon coarse salt
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs, room temperature
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
For Peanut Butter Buttercream Frosting:
4 sticks (440 grams) unsalted butter, softened
4 cups (440 grams) confectioners' sugar
1/8 teaspoon coarse salt
2 tablespoons heavy cream
1 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter (not natural or crunchy)
Directions:
To Prepare Cake:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter two 8-inch or 9-inch round cake pans, line the bottom of each pan with a round of parchment paper, then butter the parchment. Lightly dust the pans with flour, shaking out the excess. Set aside.
Combine the chopped chocolate and cocoa powder in a small bowl. Add the cup of boiling water and whisk until chocolate is melted and smooth. Set aside.
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and salt until combined. In another bowl, stir together the sour cream, oil, eggs, and vanilla. Add the liquid ingredients and the melted chocolate to the dry ingredients, and using a hand mixer (or stand mixer), beat on medium speed for 2 minutes.
Pour the batter into the cake pans and bake for 35 to 45 minutes, or until a toothpick or cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool cakes in their pans on a rack for 30 minutes, then invert them onto the cooling rack to cool to room temperature. Note: Cakes may be wrapped tightly in plastic wrap at this point and refrigerated until ready to use.
To Prepare Frosting:
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter on medium-high speed until smooth, about 60 seconds. Reduce speed to medium low and slowly add confectioners' sugar. Beat until smooth, about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, in a small bowl, stir together salt, cream, and vanilla; stir until salt is dissolved. Add cream mixture to butter mixture, and mix on medium-high until incorporated. Add in the peanut butter and beat until the frosting is light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
Frost the Cake:
To frost cakes, place 1 layer on a cake plate. With an offset spatula, spread top with frosting. Place the second layer on top, and spread frosting evenly over top and sides of cake.
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I tend to do this much too often, and it only brings me down. I do it for my blog(s), at work, and even comparing myself to my friends. It’s the worst!
I hope you know that you are an amazing blogger, and I really enjoy your writing. 🙂 And as far as not so perfect desserts go, I like to think as long as people enjoyed it, it was a success. 🙂
I just adore you and your honesty. Yes, it’s easy to get sucked into the sinking sand of comparison and it can immobilize us. Better to remember that there will always be persons greater and lessor than ourselves and to not try to compete but to just be our true selves. While other bloggers lives may look perfect on our viewing screens, we have to remember than we are only privy to what they want us to know. Being truly honest with ourselves is tough, sharing it with others is just simply, brave. You are brave 🙂
It’s not about perfection. It’s about sharing your joy with those you love, and loving the time you spend with them.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve screwed something up. Most recently, I was making scones for friends who are ‘big shots’ in this foodie world. We were all blabbing away, I was worrying that I wasn’t as accomplished a cook as their other friends. The scones were gobbled down and praised. I knew something was amiss…they just tasted a little off to me. Later on, I opened the ‘fridge and found the pile of perfectly cubed butter THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE SCONES!
We all laughed and still had a great time. And, we’re all still good friends.
I love you, MJ and would happily share a meal of mishaps, just to be there with you.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”, a phrase Id never heard yet somehow has always been with me. I’m a perfectionist at heart so nothing I ever do seems to be as good as I want it to be!
A thought provoking, beautifully written post MJ! For what its worth I think your recipes, photos and blog are lovely!
Merry-Jennifer – Oh how I wish we lived closer – I feel like we would be fast friends but I’ll take a virtual online relationship for now :-). Great post and you’ve expressed so much of what I so frequently feel. Yesterday I posted a barley soup recipe – the photo was taken at night with my iphone. But people asked for the recipe and there was no way I had time to remake and take a “perfect” shot. So I forced myself to write it up and share just as it was because my blog is not about perfection either. And whose life or blog really is?
Keep writing and cooking – I will read your words and eat your food anytime. I wish I could be at BHF with you in June! You’ll have much wisdom to share.
P.S. – I love that quote. I want to paste it all over the walls of my house. My first post of the year was the corollary to that: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take (Wayne Gretzky, hockey player) but it is true in life as well. I often over-analyze and over think which can lead to inaction. I’m trying to change that.
I need to post this quote all over my house. I fell into the exact same “trap” a couple of years ago. It was a terrible year for me on the blogging front. But it is also a sad cage so many of us deliberately lock ourselves into on so many other fronts. I continually have to remind myself that *everyone* is fighting some kind of battle, whether we can see it or not. There are so many things both online and in print that make it so easy to look at other people’s lives as being better and more perfect than ours, but it’s a myth. Nothing is ever perfect. As a card-carrying perfectionist myself, learning to embrace imperfection will always be one of my life’s greatest challenges. Food, baking and cooking has helped me with this, though. I love when food looks rustic and homemade and not tweezed and fussed into perfection. Just be assured by one of your biggest fans that I enjoy all your photos and blog posts and I am happy to have met you through an endeavor we are both passionate about.
MJ – I mean it when I say this – you’re a tremendous writer. I don’t quite know how to explain what makes you good, but you are. As for imperfect food, who needs perfection when you’re sharing a good meal with those you love? Personally, I prefer cookbooks without pictures (shh, don’t tell my boss ;0) because you focus so much on the writing and the recipe. Do things YOUR way, this is why we all come here. xoxo
I have been reading your blog since April 2010 and don’t expect perfection. There are probably people on here that notice imperfections in food, but I am not one of them. When I navigate to your blog, I look forward to hearing your unique take on food, family and work-life balance and I have often been inspired to try new ideas and flavor combinations. Plus, the few recipes I’ve tried from your blog have tasted great!
I’m recovering from this too – it’s hard in this crazy industry we are in to NOT compare ourselves to others.
I think this cake is beautiful – makes me want to dive right in!
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I have always enjoyed your site, perfect or not! Keep sending some ideas my way when you have the time or inspiration. I too struggle in my life with the question of when ‘good’ is enough. It usually is, and as I get a little older it fits better all the time.
You know… I think it’s perfectly natural for us to get this way sometimes. We’re so passionate about what we do… it’s so personal for us, that it’s hard not to question our talents every once in a while. But I’ll tell you, I’m always so thrilled to come read your posts. I know you didn’t write this to get us to say that, but I want to say it because I mean it. Your recipes, your writing, your pictures… they bring me so much joy. There are some seemingly “perfect” bloggers out there… those who can do it all. But, you know what, I prefer to feel like someone’s posts are coming from their heart. And that’s how I feel when I’m here.
Now, let’s go eat cake!
I, think all of us, experience this many times. I find more so now as there are many negative and competitive outbursts happening in the food blogging world – really saddens me. I think of food blogging as a creative outlet and try to post even the photos I do not truly love. The ones where I did not take time to shoot – I just pointed and clicked. That is not my style but sometimes the passion has been crushed due to negative energy. I just need to be better at shaking that.
I always love all of your photos – this one is gorgeous. I would devour that cake, perfect or not perfect. Food isn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to be shared.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to read this until I made it through your whole post. I, too, have been paralyzed by comparison. Or mountain-high expectations. And, I’ve let those feelings prevent me from doing what I love, from sharing my passion for cooking with friends and family and perfect strangers who’ve found my blog for whatever reason.
Thank you for reminding me that things don’t have to be “perfect” for me to write about them. Thank you for reminding me about why I started blogging in the first place.
PS. Your cake looks delicious. I’d totally eat a slice or two right now! XO
I’ve always found the most interesting people, food and wine have all sorts of cracks, crevices and nuance. It’s the spaces made from imperfections that allow the light in. I really enjoy your blog, thanks for putting it out there, thanks!
I was just having this discussion with a friend last night! How good we are at comparing ourselves to each other and forgetting how much we have to offer the world. My friend, because her background was so far out of the mainstream couldn’t see how that actually made her perspectives fresh and interesting.
thanks so much for posting, so glad i’m not the only one!
I thrive on honesty in posts like yours, sharing and admitting isn’t the easiest thing to do, but once I do it releases me. Just gotta let it go. And I hate to tell you, but your cake looks pretty damn perfect to me! Here’s to 2013.
I only let comparison steal my joy once a week, when I check my blog stats. It’s better than everyday. Right now the amount that other blogger’s posts get pinned & repinned is really sapping my joy. Enough! It must stop!
Take it from someone who hangs your photos on their wall: your photos are fabulous!
Take it from someone who looks forward to each & every post you do: your writing is amazing!
I didn’t even notice the sprinkle clumb until you said it, and I pour over your photos and eat them up 🙂
Nothing is ever perfect and you are a star.
I know EXACTLY what you are saying, and I was in that place in 2011. I had to take a break from reading other blogs because it was too easy to fall into the “I suck and will never be as awesome as them” trap. Just like you, I came to terms with my flaws and now I kind of love them! My blog is like me, beautifully flawed and a little daffy. 🙂 Do I sometimes feel like others will look at me, my system, or my photos and find them lacking? Yes, but now I just don’t care. I am in the blogging business for ME. If I love it that is all that matters … warts and all!
All that said, I think you have an amazing blog, a good eye for food, and impeccable taste in food. I also admire you as a person. You are among the best people I know! *hug*
I’m glad we’re on the same page, but one thing is for sure, chocolate cake fixes everything.
First of all, that cake looks amaaaaazing. Chocolate and PB are my favorites! I’m drooling.
Second, I totally know where you’re coming from. It’s hard in this day of social media and blogging to know what’s real and how we measure up. We easily forget that what we see online is not the whole story, but carefully curated things designed to show only what others want us to see. I recently came across a quote on Pinterest that sums it up nicely – “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve Furtick. So true, and I try to remind myself of that any time I find myself falling into the joy-stealing trap of comparison.
You’ve hit the nail on the head of what sooooo many of us feel from time to time. I get it. I really do. It’s the ugly side of social media, the fact that we can portray our “perfect” lives online and no one is the wiser. When the truth is, we ALL have had cracked and underbaked cheesecakes, we ALL have had scorched chicken on the stovetop, we ALL have had trouble flipping the dang fried egg (I’m so with you on that one). And if we haven’t… well, we’re probably lying. 🙂 This is a refreshing post, to be so honest, so thanks for that. But also know you are not alone — and this cake, by the way, looks stunning and I want to eat it right up.
MJ, this speaks right to my heart. I can’t tell you how much I needed this right now. I’ve been struggling with posting lately. It’s like you got inside my head and said, “Listen up now, get hold of yourself. You’re not perfect; get over it.” I find myself drooling over other’s photos wishing I could capture “that” look in my photos. I just need to look back at some of my earlier photos and see the ones I take now are better than the ones I took back then. I recently saw that one of my least favorite photos was pinned the most…what does that say, huh? Seems they liked the recipe even with an imperfect photo. Thank you so much my friend for writing this…I read it on my phone earlier and couldn’t wait to get home to tell you how much it meant to me. Keep writing these beautiful words. Hope to see you at FBFOrlando. xoxo
By the way, the cake looks awesome! Wish I had a piece of it right now!
I think that quote is absolutely true. I think all of us have felt exactly what you described. Pinterest hasn’t helped in the least, has it! I’ve decided that I want my joy back in blogging. To get it, I’ve found I’ve needed to tune out certain forces that were bringing me down and getting back to the parts of this game that attracted me in the first place. Like cooking and baking! I was unsure about posting a gingerbread house last month because I know there are plenty of professional bakers out there who can make one a zillion times more impressive. But then I was like, “But you love to make stuff like this! That should be reason alone to make one and post it.” And so I did, flaws and all. So what if it wasn’t pinworthy, I had fun making it and my kids thought it was pretty awesome (their opinions matter to me more than anyone else’s).
“Today, I’m okay with the fact that I am not perfect, nor is the work I create”
MJ this needs to be my mantra for the year. I need to learn to believe that too. That said, I am ok with posting the “not perfect” on my blog as you well know. Keeping it real. Which is why I love you and your blog…
By the way, your cake IS perfect. And you could cook me a mealful of mistakes anytime.
Gorgeous post. XO
Now that you have learned that comparison steals joy, go back to being the MERRY gourmet! Get the joy back in your life! Honey, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about living, learning, and loving! Who wants to bite into a perfect cake anyway? Who would want to take that first slice and ruin perfection? Not me! But bite into one of my cakes with indentations made in the frosting from chubby little fingers that can’t wait to taste – now that’s what it’s all about!
You give so much by sharing your recipes and stories – that’s what makes you YOU! And although I can’t speak for others, that’s what I love about your blog! I’m not looking for perfection, I’m looking for yummies and ideas to make and share. Am I looking for perfection? NO! I’m looking for delicious recipes like yours along with ideas for sewing and quilting. Nothing I do is perfect, but I sure do enjoy giving my imperfect stuff away and watching others enjoy them!
No more comparing – take joy in your talent and thank God for what he has blessed you with and get on with your life!
P.S. Who wants another snobby pretending-life-is-perfect blog? There’s enough of those – yours is real!
I’m pretty sure that everyone who has a blog can relate to the honesty of this post; I know I can. It’s so easy to fall into that trap but I’m trying more and more to ignore what everyone else is doing, accept (and embrace) my limitations and focus on what makes me unique. Keep up the good work MJ, you know you have an army of fans here xo
When I feel like my recipes aren’t special enough or my photos not good enough I remember why I started my blog – to have an easy place for my son to access recipes for his favorite meals as he begins life in his own home. I’m rewarded every time I get a text from him telling me that he’s cooking from my blog, or asking me specifically to make and post something for him.
wow, it’s like you’ve been inside my head. What you’ve written about is one of the main reasons I took a break from social media this past week – it was really beginning to bog me down seeing how “perfect” everyone’s lives seem to be – not just their food but everything else… seeing what they post on FB, Twitter, Instagram. Not only did I feel like I have to be posting perfect and fancy food, but to be eating, cooking, and doing great things ALL. THE. TIME.
I know part of it is my own problem, insecurities, etc. but being immersed in social media certainly wasn’t helping. And like we had briefly tweeted about recently – the winter/cold/dark days was not helping either.
Thank you for writing this. When I get back on the blogging train, I will be referencing this post… you verbalized a lot of what I am afraid to put into words sometimes.
And btw, this cake looks amazing – I didn’t even notice the “imperfections” til you pointed them out. I’ll take a bowl of that pb frosting, please! =)
MJ, know that you’re not alone. I think we all know that we’re not perfect, and that, of course, perfection is never to be expected, but the nature of what we do – cooking, writing, the mere act of being creative – we will forever never be pleased, no matter how hard we try. I go through phases where I hate everything I have posted, and other phases were I feel the need to wear blinders when it comes to perusing the internet. But the truth is in the world of food blogging, I don’t visit anyone looking for perfection – just for the chance to get to know you better, and from the last several years, I know enough that you’re quite special and that cake looks pretty darned perfect to me.
Remembering this post from the King Arthur Flour test kitchen blog always makes me feel better about kitchen flops:
http://www.kingarthurflour.com/blog/2009/03/31/its-that-time-again-april-fools-in-the-test-kitchen/
🙂
MJ, Whenever you get into those slumps , remember this: You have a strong and clear voice and you’re are a terrific writer. Who wants to be perfect anyway, it must be dreadfully dull 😉 Besides to be a great writer, cook, you name it, we must “fail” in order to realize who we are in our work. I think you do both with truth and grace! Keep on.
MJ what an awesome post. I think we all suffer from this is some shape or form. We forget that what we perceive to be perfect on the outside could really be crumbling from the inside. You are an amazing writer and these photographs of your “imperfect” cake are beautiful. Don’t let yourself fall down because of comparison. Let yourself shine as should everyone.
Great post and so very true! Perfection is overrated anyway. 🙂
Just a quick question – when you say the layers can be refridgerated until ready for use, what would be the maximum time you would recommend?
You can refrigerate the layers overnight, or, if you’d like to make it a week in advance, you can freeze the layers (wrapped tight in plastic wrap). If you freeze the layers, be sure to thaw overnight in the refrigerator the night before you plan to decorate the cake.
My mother had a recipe for chocolate cake with PB icing that she made for birthdays. It was my father’s favorite cake, mine too. When my father died, I made a sheet cake and brought it to the funeral home so that everyone could share this thing he loved and remember him with a smile.
I haven’t made one in a while. I think I’m overdue. Thanks for the reminder!
Your cake looks absolutely divine… Chocolate cake with peanut butter icing is one of my favorites.
And, on the subject of being perfect, I think the most important thing is that you enjoyed it with your family. I admit to being quite the perfectionist at times (all the time?), and having a baby has made me refocus and learn what is truly important. In the world of perfect food in perfect food photos, it’s so easy to get caught up in it all… However, I will take a blog post with photos of real food shared with friends and family over someone’s perfectly placed photo props any day. Love this. 🙂
MJ, Please DON”T be perfect. I’m begging. Not being perfect and sharing it with us is what keeps me coming back. Personally, I don’t trust “perfection” ~ it doesn’t build a relationship built on trust. In my ever so humble opinion, perfection doesn’t exist, it isn’t “real”. I want real. I want honest. I want truth. Those qualities I can believe in, and trust.
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It can be difficult not to compare when we set goals and standards for ourselves to try and grow. You are right, comparison can really be a joy stealer. Thank you for sharing your feelings with all of us and being a strong example that we should follow.
It can be hard to remember that one idea of perfection may not be another anyway. 🙂 To me, this post was perfect. Thank you for sharing it with us!
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Just made your cake for my husband and after tasting crumbs and frosting, pretty sure it will be a hit. I used natural creamy pb, just warmed it for 1 minute in microwave, and it worked great!
Oh, I so hope he likes it! Let me know how it all turns out!
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